Tag: Philosophy

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When the Universe has a Message: Listen

Once upon a time, there was a little redheaded boy, named BW, born to a man who was figuring out his life and a woman who took on Responsibility as if it were created only for her. BW was the cutest kid you have ever seen – flaming orange hair. Technically he qualified a redhead, but a true artist would say the blazing orange of a sunset, the heat from a roaring bonfire, and the best mix of ketchup and mustard for sublime tator tot dipping. BW was the apple of his daddy’s eye. Life had some struggles but all seemed smooth when along came another baby – a teeny tiny little girl, with large, dark eyes and dimples that could melt even the most frigid. Sweetheart, she was called by both her mommy and daddy. It was clear from the beginning that she would be the star of her mommy’s story. The family seemed ablaze – full of life and love. But, as with all tales of wisdom, these two young people could not make it work. They fought and created cuts, scabs and scars in each other, until the bond broke, and the two children of fury and flame were left in the middle.

Fast forward over the next 15 years. BW and Sweetheart were best friends. Daddy remarried and adopted two older sons. Mommy remarried and had another baby – with large dark eyes fringed by lashes so dark, they appeared to be cut from a single piece of cloth. Growing up was difficult – between parents fighting, new marriages blooming, and all-American families blending. Needless to say, roads diverged. Sweetheart and BW lost their friendship, and Sweetheart stopped calling, coming to family functions, ceasing to exist in the world they had created.

Fast forward 15 more years. Daddy gets sick. It appears as though it is an intestinal blockage. But it is that C word. That horrible life taker, misery maker, leaving questions in its wake. But Daddy beats it! He comes out the other side, where esophageal cancer is waiting. Again, he fights his battle. His head held high, hope and humor his armor. One day, Daddy starts cursing like a sailor. Trying to escape his house. Forgetting his phone number. It appears this battle cannot be won. That damned C word has taken refuge in his brain, on his adrenal gland, in his bones.

For the last weeks of Daddy’s life, Sweetheart stayed by his side. Washing his face, sharing stories, holding his hand, watching old Westerns. BW joins and the two converge on memory lane where the 3 Musketeers roam once more. Where life seems to have a vintage quality but the characters are more grown up, mature, and facing a mountain of pain and despair. That mountain they will climb as a two-some, as BW and Sweetheart, because Daddy is now in the sky, illuminating the mountain with his brilliant rays, casting out demons, cleansing, warming the soul and shining from the laugh lines and dimples, bouncing off that beautiful orange hair.

This is where “control” doesn’t exist. In this land, there is no word for it. There is only day-by-day. A journey of remembrance. In this world, it is apparent where “control” misled, demanded, judged, forced, and demeaned. And it is in this world where love and laughter, living side by side, accepting people as they come that exists. The message is simple – Love and Be Loved.

I miss you Daddy. I only needed “One More Night” or “Another Day in Paradise” to see your “True Colors”. I “Can’t Stop Loving You” with this “Groovy Kind of Love”. “You’ll Be in My Heart”.

<Phil Collins and Genesis are a family favorite. Please listen to these songs and honor my Daddy.>

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Confessions of a Protagonist

I am going through a rough patch. There. I said it.

My word of the year is “temperance” but I am finding “control” to be much more applicable. 2017 was a year of stretching me. I quit my public accounting career, choosing not to become partner but instead choosing my own personal “road less traveled”. I went to work for a small nonprofit at the convincing of a friend of mine, who happened to be the CEO. I started traveling to upstate New York around 30-50% of each month. I learned new things – things I had never worked on before. Budgeting, modeling, forecasting, bookkeeping, efficiencies, policy setting, deferred revenue accounting, human resources, payroll, technology implementation, workflows. I learned about whistleblower policies and how detrimental poor leadership can be for the culture of an organization, how limiting selfish leadership can be for the growth of an organization. I learned that people can mask themselves under any façade, but ultimately it is typically a short-lived manipulation of the audience. I learned that I am indeed capable of love. I learned that my family means more to me than I had ever expressed. I learned that I have a lot of walls up, and while I am communicative, I tend to lack grace in those moments. I learned that it is true – if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. I have also learned that there is a time limit to accepting grace, comfort and interest from those around you when a hard period lasts too long. And then I have learned that friendship, for me, is defined more intimately by those who are willing to pick me up when I fall.

Have you experienced a year of this much transition? This much growth? Did you remain hopeful, optimistic, and even charming? Or did you find yourself swirling around the drain of defeat, knowing you likely wouldn’t be sucked in but wondering all the same what it would feel like to have the current take you away?

I wholeheartedly believe that a “breakdown” means that a rebuild is coming. I know the horizon is beautiful and that the sun is coming up. I can practically feel the morning dew now 😊

All allegory aside, this is still (yes, still) a post on control. In nearly all those lessons learned above, I had very little control. 2017 was a choose-your-own-adventure book! It had the elements of a great story – a classically beautiful heroine, a surprising antagonist turns villain, a love interest, and a dog. And what do we learn from good books? The plot generally thickens through the main character’s choices as reactions to external factors. Why? Because those outside factors are WAY MORE FUN. If this was just about the protagonist, it would be called a “diary”.

I have tried for the past month to make myself ok and “just enjoy” this time. On good days, I can manipulate my thoughts into creating a positive environment which is slightly manic, to be honest. It feels fake, like I just put on my mom’s lipstick instead of my own. Might fool people on the outside, but I know inside it is a shade I would never wear. And that makes me uncomfortable. My attempt to control my feelings is not mastery over my thoughts, it is short term manipulation. Right now, I am accepting this position. This is not WHO I am; this is WHAT I am going through.

For anyone reading this, if you are going through a particularly rainy season in life and find your umbrella bending in the wind, here are my suggestions:

  1. Do not force yourself to bury your feelings. Acknowledge that something is difficult, upsetting, unfair, bullshit, and just plain fucked up. That is your own internal high five. Outside validation is unnecessary because those are someone else’s feelings. By giving someone else priority, you are devaluing your own perception.
  2. Do not bury yourself in your feelings. Acknowledgement is one thing. Stewing is another. If you find yourself ruminating, you have a couple options. See #3.
  3. Deal or distract. You can journal – because maybe you just need a listening ear and no one is doing the job as well as you need. Or maybe you need to journal because you need to sort through the swirling thoughts. If that doesn’t work, identify a friend that will listen to you. Not a friend who will placate you or make you feel guilty because “you should be <fill in the blank>.” And finally, find something that is truly fun to you – yoga, running, cooking, spontaneous road trips, hiking, painting. Meditation is where it’s at, but these activities induce a type of meditative mental state. Lose yourself in joy that is unattached to your circumstances.
  4. Accept that this is a season and find some hope in that. There is nothing less hopeful than running 13 miles and hitting mile 5. You are in the middle of some shit, my friend. There is no turning back or undoing. There is only forward progress, one foot in front of the other. So take one day at a time. No need to move faster than that (unless, of course, if you want to!).
  5. Focus on your hopes and dreams and not your fears. Ever watch Patch Adams? It is one of my favorite Robin Williams movies (I miss him, don’t you?). Remember that scene in the beginning of the movie where he is in the mental health ward, talking with another patient about how many fingers he is holding up? “If you focus on the problem, you can’t see the solution… Look beyond the fingers.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBDgLL2de_c

My final suggestion – message me. I am happy to be a ray of sunshine. Together we can make a rainbow.

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“Control” – An Overanalytical Manifesto

How is it that in this life, the only thing we can control is ourselves, but if we are too controlling then we aren’t really living? Where is the balance in that?

Marcus Aurelius is quoted in Meditations, “you have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

In my recent yoga classes, I found myself conflicted while trying to follow the instructions of the yogi:

“Release control.”

“Allow your mind to flow freely. If you catch yourself stopping on one thought too long, bring your mind back to neutral by controlling the flow of your passing thoughts.”

“Let go.”

“Move with control.”

“Free your mind with your breath.”

“Control your breath.”

This got me thinking about “control” in general. Control has a mixed bag of reactions. I just had one of my longest girlfriends tell me to stop trying to control everything; that certain things are just outside of my control. Go with the flow. Stop analyzing.

I think I need to smoke more pot, honestly. Because I am an accountant, type A, ENTJ. My mind is my strongest muscle. You know what it likes to do? SCENARIO PLAN. I am great (although I have some friends who are MUCH better) at planning – I quickly assess, build out scenarios, map out pros/cons, determine cost/benefit, and choose. I am decisive. Patience is not my friend. I feel great in the driver’s seat.

So when someone tells me to “go with the flow” or “it will all work out”, I want to lose control… of my emotions and my mouth. I really want to tell people to “fuck off.” And then, if I do that, I am not in control of my own reaction, which is a negative.

I think we need to make up our minds about “control.” When is control good? And when is control bad?

Self-control = GOOD

Muscle control = GOOD

Impulse control = GOOD

Controlling a person = BAD

Controlling a situation = BAD

Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = GOOD

Controlling your thoughts = GOOD when you are controlling them to think optimistically

Controlling your thoughts in yoga = BAD

My brilliant brother, master of many languages, PhD candidate, pastor, and all around good guy, entertained me with the origin of “control” from a language basis. We talked about the Greek versions of “control.” And in typical nerd fashion, we both uttered the praises for the Greek people who identified complex emotions with more than a single word. Love, for example, has three words, so that you don’t mistakenly erotically lust after a hamburger or liken your romantic emotions to those you have for your mom. What a brilliant concept. Similarly, “control” has at least two different meanings he could come up with over the phone. One implying manipulation and one implying mastery.

Let’s try the example above:

Self-control = MASTERY

Muscle control = MASTERY

Impulse control = MASTERY

Controlling a person = MANIPULATION

Controlling a situation = MANIPULATION

Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = WELL DONE

Controlling your thoughts = DEPENDS (are you controlling them to hide from something? To do damage? To obsess? That sounds like MANIPULATION.)

Controlling your thoughts in yoga = MASTERY

Ok, now that we note the difference between mastery and manipulation, where does willpower play into this? There is a lot of evidence out there that willpower is a limited resource. Is mastery a muscle that gets stronger with use? Or is it like our eyes – after so much use, it’s power is diminished?

Looks like we found more questions on this adventure…

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Temperance

You know what sucks about the start of a New Year? Agonizing over the weight that I gained from October to January. Every single year I fall off the workout bandwagon at the same time, go into hibernation mode, only to realize that I am a HUMAN, not a BEAR and hibernation has been cancelled. So then, I start working out again which seems painful and inconvenient. Until I realize how much I love it. Where has this been for the past 3 months??

The bright side of the New Year: it’s a freaking NEW YEAR. Oh the beauty of “reset”! It’s like a blank canvas. I have the time to reset my intentions, refocus, re-energize. My wonderful friend, Scott, taught me to pick a word at the start of anything new. This word is a focal point; it is the middle bubble on a bubble diagram. This word will build out the rest of the year. So bear with me because my word for 2018 is TEMPERANCE.

Let me tell you a secret – I am not good at balance. More figuratively than literally although if you asked any one of my three older brothers they would engage you in one of their favorite stories of me running down a narrow, one-brick-wide, landscaping wall but couldn’t take two steps on flat ground without tripping or falling down. I am fairly capable of walking on my own two feet now.

One of my favorite yoga instructors (shout out to The Grinning Yogi – check them out here) put the following thought in my head: “Balance effort with ease”. This was during the summer of 2017, and I have not stopped thinking about this phrase.

What does this trigger for you? Does it shine light on those areas of your life that you keep painfully pushing against? Does it open your mind to value your talents and the ease with which you do certain things? Does it bring up warmth when you think of time with family and friends and the ease of being in the presence of people you love?

For the next 12 months, I plan to intentionally focus my energies where they belong. When things come with ease, I am asking my brain and heart to meet each other in a happy, joyful spot with no ambition or task-making. When things are a challenge, I would like to rise to the challenge and use that opportunity to grow and teach myself or learn from those around me or the circumstances presented to me.

The obstacle I face with this is that this phrase – balance effort with ease – asks me to disassociate myself from people, situations, things, etc. It asks me to give up control. Gasp.

Lydia Davis, an American writer known for her brevity (I am attempting to learn from her but found that this is an area that does not come with ease for me) via short stories, wrote this brilliant grouping of short stories called “Can’t and Won’t”. This piece, in particular, gets me every single time I read it:

My Footsteps

I see myself from the back, walking. There are circles of both light and shadow around each of my footsteps. I know that with each step I can now go further and faster than ever before, so of course I want to spring forward and run, But I am told that I must pause at each step, letting my foot rest on the ground for a moment, if I want it to develop its full power and reach, before taking the next.

(Also, for the record, another one of her stories, “I’m Pretty Comfortable, But I Could Be a Little More Comfortable” is FANTASTIC. Please read it when you find yourself disgruntled and discouraged by your life. Link to her book and the fabulous bookstore in NYC, Strand, where I purchased it here.)

Perhaps this balancing thing is more than relinquishing control. Perhaps it has something also to do with savoring each step.