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Confessions of a Protagonist

I am going through a rough patch. There. I said it.

My word of the year is “temperance” but I am finding “control” to be much more applicable. 2017 was a year of stretching me. I quit my public accounting career, choosing not to become partner but instead choosing my own personal “road less traveled”. I went to work for a small nonprofit at the convincing of a friend of mine, who happened to be the CEO. I started traveling to upstate New York around 30-50% of each month. I learned new things – things I had never worked on before. Budgeting, modeling, forecasting, bookkeeping, efficiencies, policy setting, deferred revenue accounting, human resources, payroll, technology implementation, workflows. I learned about whistleblower policies and how detrimental poor leadership can be for the culture of an organization, how limiting selfish leadership can be for the growth of an organization. I learned that people can mask themselves under any façade, but ultimately it is typically a short-lived manipulation of the audience. I learned that I am indeed capable of love. I learned that my family means more to me than I had ever expressed. I learned that I have a lot of walls up, and while I am communicative, I tend to lack grace in those moments. I learned that it is true – if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry. I have also learned that there is a time limit to accepting grace, comfort and interest from those around you when a hard period lasts too long. And then I have learned that friendship, for me, is defined more intimately by those who are willing to pick me up when I fall.

Have you experienced a year of this much transition? This much growth? Did you remain hopeful, optimistic, and even charming? Or did you find yourself swirling around the drain of defeat, knowing you likely wouldn’t be sucked in but wondering all the same what it would feel like to have the current take you away?

I wholeheartedly believe that a “breakdown” means that a rebuild is coming. I know the horizon is beautiful and that the sun is coming up. I can practically feel the morning dew now 😊

All allegory aside, this is still (yes, still) a post on control. In nearly all those lessons learned above, I had very little control. 2017 was a choose-your-own-adventure book! It had the elements of a great story – a classically beautiful heroine, a surprising antagonist turns villain, a love interest, and a dog. And what do we learn from good books? The plot generally thickens through the main character’s choices as reactions to external factors. Why? Because those outside factors are WAY MORE FUN. If this was just about the protagonist, it would be called a “diary”.

I have tried for the past month to make myself ok and “just enjoy” this time. On good days, I can manipulate my thoughts into creating a positive environment which is slightly manic, to be honest. It feels fake, like I just put on my mom’s lipstick instead of my own. Might fool people on the outside, but I know inside it is a shade I would never wear. And that makes me uncomfortable. My attempt to control my feelings is not mastery over my thoughts, it is short term manipulation. Right now, I am accepting this position. This is not WHO I am; this is WHAT I am going through.

For anyone reading this, if you are going through a particularly rainy season in life and find your umbrella bending in the wind, here are my suggestions:

  1. Do not force yourself to bury your feelings. Acknowledge that something is difficult, upsetting, unfair, bullshit, and just plain fucked up. That is your own internal high five. Outside validation is unnecessary because those are someone else’s feelings. By giving someone else priority, you are devaluing your own perception.
  2. Do not bury yourself in your feelings. Acknowledgement is one thing. Stewing is another. If you find yourself ruminating, you have a couple options. See #3.
  3. Deal or distract. You can journal – because maybe you just need a listening ear and no one is doing the job as well as you need. Or maybe you need to journal because you need to sort through the swirling thoughts. If that doesn’t work, identify a friend that will listen to you. Not a friend who will placate you or make you feel guilty because “you should be <fill in the blank>.” And finally, find something that is truly fun to you – yoga, running, cooking, spontaneous road trips, hiking, painting. Meditation is where it’s at, but these activities induce a type of meditative mental state. Lose yourself in joy that is unattached to your circumstances.
  4. Accept that this is a season and find some hope in that. There is nothing less hopeful than running 13 miles and hitting mile 5. You are in the middle of some shit, my friend. There is no turning back or undoing. There is only forward progress, one foot in front of the other. So take one day at a time. No need to move faster than that (unless, of course, if you want to!).
  5. Focus on your hopes and dreams and not your fears. Ever watch Patch Adams? It is one of my favorite Robin Williams movies (I miss him, don’t you?). Remember that scene in the beginning of the movie where he is in the mental health ward, talking with another patient about how many fingers he is holding up? “If you focus on the problem, you can’t see the solution… Look beyond the fingers.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CBDgLL2de_c

My final suggestion – message me. I am happy to be a ray of sunshine. Together we can make a rainbow.

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King-sian Control

I love reading books. I love reading books and talking about them with a friend even more. Sharing is truly caring in this area of life. I find other people’s perspectives and memories actually lend to my interpretation. Sometimes I think about writing book reviews like we used to write book reports, just for fun, so that I can remember the book all that much better. Nerd alert.

My girlfriend, Susan, and I have started a Stephen King book club. It’s very elite. In fact, there are only two members. To get in, you must recite your favorite SK quote by memory, disclose what shape It takes in its most natural form, pick a favorite ride from Joyland, and if you think Dolores Claiborne should be innocent or guilty.

Let me know if you want to be admitted 😊

Anyway, we are reading Needful Things. It turns out, this book is all about CONTROL. Pesky little word that is turning out to be. And not any kind of control, but straight up MANIPULATION. In true King-style, there is an element of supernatural at play, some hypnotism, and definitely a good versus evil theme.

A little background on the book (but please read it for yourself, because it is shockingly good!): Leland Gaunt opens a shop called Needful Things in a small town called Castle Rock. He panders to the deepest, darkest desires of his clientele in exchange for a small monetary fee plus a small act of service. These acts are construed as harmless pranks that Mr. Gaunt asks each customer to perform on a seemingly random townee. Once the web becomes visible, however, the sheer power of Mr. Gaunt’s control, and use of the objects of his customers’ affections to dig his hooks in, is illuminated.

What strikes me throughout my reading is that each and every person knows Mr. Gaunt is evil before they strike any deals with him. A handshake causes nausea. A smile looks leering. An approach is aggressive. Familiarity is premature. His skin feels like paper. His eyes change color depending on who is telling their story. Despite that intuition, everyone still assumes Mr. Gaunt “knows best.” Except Sherriff Pangborn who just can’t shake off his intuition that something is not right, with his gut leading him ever-closer to Needful Things and its creepy proprietor.

I am going to confess that this is not my formal book review as I still have about 30% left to read. But I am also going to tell you straight up that I can’t stop considering control as a good versus evil thing. Stick with me here. In my previous post, I explored mastery versus manipulation as forms of control. Here, as I chat with Stephen King about control via Needful Things, I wonder if we know the difference between good control and bad control based on intuition. Our 6th chakra. Ajna. Our third eye. That gut instinct that tells us – don’t do that, calm down, stop being negative, you can do this, don’t give up. That intuition that says that the universe won’t leave us on our asses no matter what is being dished out at any particular moment. That feeling that if we stay centered and uplifted, we will be able to see more clearly.

Should any one of those Castle Rock inhabitants trusted their gut, walked out of Needful Things, or, gasp, returned the item they didn’t want… perhaps Castle Rock would remain intact, rather than the town formerly known as Castle Rock. That, however, doesn’t make as good of a story.

And in this thing called life, struggle is indeed a better story. Mastery of our perception of struggle is the best story yet. Looking forward to see how this chapter of life plays out.

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“Control” – An Overanalytical Manifesto

How is it that in this life, the only thing we can control is ourselves, but if we are too controlling then we aren’t really living? Where is the balance in that?

Marcus Aurelius is quoted in Meditations, “you have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”

In my recent yoga classes, I found myself conflicted while trying to follow the instructions of the yogi:

“Release control.”

“Allow your mind to flow freely. If you catch yourself stopping on one thought too long, bring your mind back to neutral by controlling the flow of your passing thoughts.”

“Let go.”

“Move with control.”

“Free your mind with your breath.”

“Control your breath.”

This got me thinking about “control” in general. Control has a mixed bag of reactions. I just had one of my longest girlfriends tell me to stop trying to control everything; that certain things are just outside of my control. Go with the flow. Stop analyzing.

I think I need to smoke more pot, honestly. Because I am an accountant, type A, ENTJ. My mind is my strongest muscle. You know what it likes to do? SCENARIO PLAN. I am great (although I have some friends who are MUCH better) at planning – I quickly assess, build out scenarios, map out pros/cons, determine cost/benefit, and choose. I am decisive. Patience is not my friend. I feel great in the driver’s seat.

So when someone tells me to “go with the flow” or “it will all work out”, I want to lose control… of my emotions and my mouth. I really want to tell people to “fuck off.” And then, if I do that, I am not in control of my own reaction, which is a negative.

I think we need to make up our minds about “control.” When is control good? And when is control bad?

Self-control = GOOD

Muscle control = GOOD

Impulse control = GOOD

Controlling a person = BAD

Controlling a situation = BAD

Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = GOOD

Controlling your thoughts = GOOD when you are controlling them to think optimistically

Controlling your thoughts in yoga = BAD

My brilliant brother, master of many languages, PhD candidate, pastor, and all around good guy, entertained me with the origin of “control” from a language basis. We talked about the Greek versions of “control.” And in typical nerd fashion, we both uttered the praises for the Greek people who identified complex emotions with more than a single word. Love, for example, has three words, so that you don’t mistakenly erotically lust after a hamburger or liken your romantic emotions to those you have for your mom. What a brilliant concept. Similarly, “control” has at least two different meanings he could come up with over the phone. One implying manipulation and one implying mastery.

Let’s try the example above:

Self-control = MASTERY

Muscle control = MASTERY

Impulse control = MASTERY

Controlling a person = MANIPULATION

Controlling a situation = MANIPULATION

Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = WELL DONE

Controlling your thoughts = DEPENDS (are you controlling them to hide from something? To do damage? To obsess? That sounds like MANIPULATION.)

Controlling your thoughts in yoga = MASTERY

Ok, now that we note the difference between mastery and manipulation, where does willpower play into this? There is a lot of evidence out there that willpower is a limited resource. Is mastery a muscle that gets stronger with use? Or is it like our eyes – after so much use, it’s power is diminished?

Looks like we found more questions on this adventure…

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Temperance

You know what sucks about the start of a New Year? Agonizing over the weight that I gained from October to January. Every single year I fall off the workout bandwagon at the same time, go into hibernation mode, only to realize that I am a HUMAN, not a BEAR and hibernation has been cancelled. So then, I start working out again which seems painful and inconvenient. Until I realize how much I love it. Where has this been for the past 3 months??

The bright side of the New Year: it’s a freaking NEW YEAR. Oh the beauty of “reset”! It’s like a blank canvas. I have the time to reset my intentions, refocus, re-energize. My wonderful friend, Scott, taught me to pick a word at the start of anything new. This word is a focal point; it is the middle bubble on a bubble diagram. This word will build out the rest of the year. So bear with me because my word for 2018 is TEMPERANCE.

Let me tell you a secret – I am not good at balance. More figuratively than literally although if you asked any one of my three older brothers they would engage you in one of their favorite stories of me running down a narrow, one-brick-wide, landscaping wall but couldn’t take two steps on flat ground without tripping or falling down. I am fairly capable of walking on my own two feet now.

One of my favorite yoga instructors (shout out to The Grinning Yogi – check them out here) put the following thought in my head: “Balance effort with ease”. This was during the summer of 2017, and I have not stopped thinking about this phrase.

What does this trigger for you? Does it shine light on those areas of your life that you keep painfully pushing against? Does it open your mind to value your talents and the ease with which you do certain things? Does it bring up warmth when you think of time with family and friends and the ease of being in the presence of people you love?

For the next 12 months, I plan to intentionally focus my energies where they belong. When things come with ease, I am asking my brain and heart to meet each other in a happy, joyful spot with no ambition or task-making. When things are a challenge, I would like to rise to the challenge and use that opportunity to grow and teach myself or learn from those around me or the circumstances presented to me.

The obstacle I face with this is that this phrase – balance effort with ease – asks me to disassociate myself from people, situations, things, etc. It asks me to give up control. Gasp.

Lydia Davis, an American writer known for her brevity (I am attempting to learn from her but found that this is an area that does not come with ease for me) via short stories, wrote this brilliant grouping of short stories called “Can’t and Won’t”. This piece, in particular, gets me every single time I read it:

My Footsteps

I see myself from the back, walking. There are circles of both light and shadow around each of my footsteps. I know that with each step I can now go further and faster than ever before, so of course I want to spring forward and run, But I am told that I must pause at each step, letting my foot rest on the ground for a moment, if I want it to develop its full power and reach, before taking the next.

(Also, for the record, another one of her stories, “I’m Pretty Comfortable, But I Could Be a Little More Comfortable” is FANTASTIC. Please read it when you find yourself disgruntled and discouraged by your life. Link to her book and the fabulous bookstore in NYC, Strand, where I purchased it here.)

Perhaps this balancing thing is more than relinquishing control. Perhaps it has something also to do with savoring each step.

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Letter from the Editor

You may be asking yourself – are people still starting blogs these days?? Turns out, they are indeed. I realize I am a little late to the game. But, in true Angie fashion, I would rather be late than early. Being early is awkward.

So here we are – it is 2018. I am in my 30’s. I have thoughts. I have done things; experienced things; gone on adventures. Just like you, I am sure. And just like you, I am wondering about this crazy, rugged road of life – are we stars that burn furiously for a short period and then explode into the galaxy? Or more like souls that transverse the universe, lifetime after lifetime, learning and growing?

Unfortunately for you, I am not going to answer those questions here. If I had those answers, I would not have this blog. I would have people that would take care of my blog, tv show, books. I would have people who do my hair, tell me what to eat, dress me, and whiten my teeth.

On the bright side, I do have this witty prose, and I have many more questions that I want to explore with you. Philosophical musings are best served with multiple perspectives  (and usually a couple cocktails, so feel free to pour yourself one now).

It is my pleasure to unveil Kokoro. Kokoro is Japanese for “mind” but means so much more than that. It is really the connectivity of the mind, body and soul. It encompasses your mental space and strength, emotions, Qi, conscience, center of being. Your kokoro is elementally you.

Have you ever experienced an interaction with a person whose mind, body and soul didn’t align? You may have been talking to an extremely attractive (no, not me, someone else) human who made you feel dirty. Their aura didn’t match their face. Or perhaps you have experienced within yourself the mental vertigo of lack of confidence but masked it with a “fake it til you make it” smile. Or, final example, perhaps you have been in the presence of someone suffering from cancer but can feel their mental strength and positivity radiating energy from their failing body.

I can’t help but wonder about these situations – how is it that our mind, body and soul aren’t always on the same plane? How can we become so fragmented? And how do we fix that?

This blog explores the tripodal balancing of these three elements. I welcome you to join me in this journey of exploration and temperance. You will notice that the blog is also organized under this trifecta:

MIND: my work feeds my mind. I am an accountant by trade and a finance professional. I like talking about business, from the technical to the social to the changing dynamic of the business community.

BODY: yoga and delicious food feed my body. I was a dancer until 19, started running shortly thereafter, and then FINALLY found yoga at 31 thanks to my lovely sister. When I have time, you will also find me in the kitchen, usually cooking up something to share with the people I care about the most.

SOUL: my soul feeds on travel and books (and my dog, Camo!). Shouldn’t the mind consume books, you ask? Not for this girl. Books literally excite my insides. My traveling tradition is to visit a local new or used bookstore everywhere I go where I usually buy <too many> books.

This blog will combine all the elements. You will find philosophical musings, travel stories, book reviews, recipes, and shop talk all here in one place! Don’t like a topic? No problem, skip over anything that doesn’t feed your own personal tripod.

I am excited to embark on this adventure throughout 2018, and even more excited that you are joining me.

Angie