It’s been two <million> years since my last post. The time warp that COVID caused has me feeling simultaneously like I aged 10 years and paused life entirely. I am still, much like you I presume, scratching my head. What actually just happened.
Today, I finished watching Netflix’s version of Jane Austen’s Persuasion starting Dakota Johnson. There are several scenes that have me like “yasss queen” to Anne Elliot. Note to the bibliophiles – this is a loose adaptation, and it doesn’t have great reviews. But, if you want my opinion, WATCH IT. It’s funny, charming, endearing, and has great music. Anyway, Anne has a broken heart and pines after this guy for YEARS. Her guide to getting over him:
- Cry
- Keep reminiscing
- Listen to friends
- Drink
- Look for a rebound
- Insult/compliment your ex
- Make prolonged eye contact
She obviously gets that universally mandated second chance (because, Jane Austen), she laments a few things, enumerated because that’s what I do:
- “Nobody tells you when you’re young that life keeps going. It keeps going whether you approve of the progression or not. And, eventually, you find yourself wondering ‘How did I end up here?’”
- “The truest evidence of an inferior mind is to allow oneself to be persuaded away from one’s deepest convictions.”
- “How is it that life can remain static, almost obstinately resistant to any change for years at a time, and then, without warning, become flooded with so much newness within the course of a few weeks?”
Some of this stuff bounces off the walls of my rib cage, careening right into that intersection of heart and throat constriction. My last post was about love – and really looking for that balance of choosing to love someone and choosing to love oneself. And really, I learned that if you have to make that choice, it’s a major indicator of fatal flaws. Actually, that is a fatal flaw itself. Wanting something, even badly wanting it, is not sustenance. Hope is not nutrition. Dreams are not a foundation. And as much as it hurts, it’s ok to recognize the limits of hope and dreams. I think now, that hopes and dreams are the airplane flying you to a joint destination. It’s exciting to head out on that adventure and absolutely nothing wrong with coming home alone. Just don’t be afraid to pack your bags and get back on that plane.
Metaphors aside, life can be really hard sometimes. I had a psychic reading this fall, in the midst of my life change, and she said that my chakra was frozen. Excuse me, what. That can happen?! That explained why I felt numb all over. Even my brain felt like it was suspended in a different time-space continuum. After reading about this, I recognized the power the brain exerts over the body, especially during trauma. If our limbic system arm wrestled our prefrontal lobe, it would punch the prefrontal lobe and then run away, leaving the prefrontal lobe wondering what the EFF just happened. Literally. This is how your brain responds to extreme stimuli. The definition of “extreme” is pretty subjective: if we operating on a 10-point scale for stress, and you are regularly at an 8, then you will likely engage your fight or flight faster than someone who operates at a 4. The way this happens is a series of neurons fire pathways leading you to either a reaction or a response. Staying present and grounded supports the response pathways to the prefrontal lobe (mindfulness and meditation are instruments here, but you can also use ice cubes on the wrist, breathing exercises, naming what you hear/smell, etc.).
Aside from the science, I want to share a few other things that may be helpful too. Life has been extraordinarily stressful these past few years. Politics, wars, climate change, inflation, a global pandemic. If you used to be a 4, it’s ok if you are a 6 now. Give yourself grace, and give some thought to my list (Angie’s List, if you will):
- When you are in a heightened state of stress, one of the first things to go is ability to speak. During 2018, when I was unemployed, my dad died, my boyfriend and I broke up, I got a new job, and my best friends got married and moved out, I stopped wanting to speak to people in the same way. I remember thinking “talking seems pointless.” After spending a bunch of time unpacking that, I was able to cut myself some slack by realizing that my brain was eliminating unnecessary work by scaling back my communication. Cool, thanks brain. This was incredibly frustrating to me.
- The brain works quickly, but it also likes its normal channels for efficiency’s sake. If you feel you are in a rut, you may be wearing the tread on your favorite ways to tear yourself down or stress. One way to break this is to disengage from that thought/feeling. This is called noting: acknowledge the feeling or thought, and gently let it float away like a puffy cloud in the sky.
- If you are operating at a stress level you aren’t comfortable with, you don’t have to stay there, even if the stressors don’t decrease substantially. Meditation is incredible. 10 minutes a day to hear yourself think, or not, and find your footing.
- If you are heading into a stressful moment, bring an icepack. Touch it whenever you find your heart rate accelerating to keep you in the moment.
Love you all. Find grace, set your boundaries, give grace, and breathe.
