How is it that in this life, the only thing we can control is ourselves, but if we are too controlling then we aren’t really living? Where is the balance in that?
Marcus Aurelius is quoted in Meditations, “you have power over your mind – not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.”
In my recent yoga classes, I found myself conflicted while trying to follow the instructions of the yogi:
“Release control.”
“Allow your mind to flow freely. If you catch yourself stopping on one thought too long, bring your mind back to neutral by controlling the flow of your passing thoughts.”
“Let go.”
“Move with control.”
“Free your mind with your breath.”
“Control your breath.”
This got me thinking about “control” in general. Control has a mixed bag of reactions. I just had one of my longest girlfriends tell me to stop trying to control everything; that certain things are just outside of my control. Go with the flow. Stop analyzing.
I think I need to smoke more pot, honestly. Because I am an accountant, type A, ENTJ. My mind is my strongest muscle. You know what it likes to do? SCENARIO PLAN. I am great (although I have some friends who are MUCH better) at planning – I quickly assess, build out scenarios, map out pros/cons, determine cost/benefit, and choose. I am decisive. Patience is not my friend. I feel great in the driver’s seat.
So when someone tells me to “go with the flow” or “it will all work out”, I want to lose control… of my emotions and my mouth. I really want to tell people to “fuck off.” And then, if I do that, I am not in control of my own reaction, which is a negative.
I think we need to make up our minds about “control.” When is control good? And when is control bad?
Self-control = GOOD
Muscle control = GOOD
Impulse control = GOOD
Controlling a person = BAD
Controlling a situation = BAD
Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = GOOD
Controlling your thoughts = GOOD when you are controlling them to think optimistically
Controlling your thoughts in yoga = BAD
My brilliant brother, master of many languages, PhD candidate, pastor, and all around good guy, entertained me with the origin of “control” from a language basis. We talked about the Greek versions of “control.” And in typical nerd fashion, we both uttered the praises for the Greek people who identified complex emotions with more than a single word. Love, for example, has three words, so that you don’t mistakenly erotically lust after a hamburger or liken your romantic emotions to those you have for your mom. What a brilliant concept. Similarly, “control” has at least two different meanings he could come up with over the phone. One implying manipulation and one implying mastery.
Let’s try the example above:
Self-control = MASTERY
Muscle control = MASTERY
Impulse control = MASTERY
Controlling a person = MANIPULATION
Controlling a situation = MANIPULATION
Controlling a situation because you are paid to do so = WELL DONE
Controlling your thoughts = DEPENDS (are you controlling them to hide from something? To do damage? To obsess? That sounds like MANIPULATION.)
Controlling your thoughts in yoga = MASTERY
Ok, now that we note the difference between mastery and manipulation, where does willpower play into this? There is a lot of evidence out there that willpower is a limited resource. Is mastery a muscle that gets stronger with use? Or is it like our eyes – after so much use, it’s power is diminished?
Looks like we found more questions on this adventure…
